DisgracedDesire's Xanga

What is always guaranteed to make you smile, even on a bad day?

Sat, 22 Nov 2008 05:31:19 GMT

It would have to be hanging out with one of my many best friends, reading one of my favorite books, or talking on the phone with/getting a huge long hug from my very best friend John. Basically I just liked to get away from whatever is making me upset or really know that someone cares a lot about me.

I just answered this Featured Question; you can answer it too!

I just can't seem to keep blogging consistantly. Here's another one.

Sat, 04 Oct 2008 23:03:06 GMT

Alright, well I'm blogging again. I don't really have anything specific but whatever. So... I'm in love with the song 'Remember when' by Alan Jackson (from the Notebook?) its so beautiful! And 'The greatest story ever told' sung by Oliver James is so incredible! And he is so amazingly good looking. Anyways, lately I've been feeling kind of melancholy. I don't really feel like I fit in with anyone right now. Everyone is so busy & so different its weird. I mean basically the only friend I see outside of school is Brittany which, don't get me wrong, I'm so happy about but I really miss seeing other people. It seems like whenever I make plans they're canceled last minute or something goes wrong or I don't even get to make plans because people are so busy. It'll be especially more so once I start working more again. 3-4 shifts a week on Sundays, Mondays and Fridays. So I will only have Saturday free on the weekend and once basketball starts I won't have any week days free except possibly Thursday right after school. I just don't know what to think about that. Not to mention this whole idea of getting out their specifically to meet new guys. I think I'm going to wait until the new year at least though. if I happen to find an awesome guy before that great for me. But if not then well then I'll put myself out there I guess. Or at least get outside more. I mean how many people can I meet just hanging out with the people I know now at school & at work? I kind of need a life. >.< Everything is so different this year with so many different people. I find that now I kind of miss Rhea. A lot in a way. I can't really explain why, I mean we are close friends but its something different then that, I don't understand it because she caused a lot of drama. She still cared though. Which seems a lot better then the way things are now. Its so difficult to even talk to people I go to school with now because we're all branching off. I'm kind of just the one standing there, hoping everyone will come back. Rhea kind of kept us together in a way, even if not all of us liked that way she still did. Nothing seems to fit anymore. I don't really know what's happening in anyone's life, and that really does bother me. I don't feel like I belong anymore. Anywhere, its just like everyone is on some fun & amazing adventure and I'm just there, just along for the ride with no part of it on my own. I don't really feel wanted at all...

Its been a while since I've updated.

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 19:27:00 GMT

Alright, well lots of things have been going on since I last posted. I just haven't been feeling it, you know? For example apparently my life is interesting enough that three more random things have subscribed to me? Well alright, hello to whoever you all are? Anyways on to more important manners. I am fed up with R. (yes, pointlessly I am going to now change every name to initials. She doesn't phone, she isn't on msn anymore, and it feels like I was pretty much used and that she really doesn't miss me, she just wants someone to feel sorry for her. I'm thinking total bull**** here. It just pisses me rank off. I mean, I don't even miss her even more. Its just kind of like, whatever almost. Okay, that isn't TOTALLY true, but for the most part. I wonder how great or close of friends we really were in the first place, which makes me kind of feel sad and gulliable. Oh and I'm not really thinking of A. in THAT way so much anymore either, good or bad I don't know. He seems to have a crush on R.F or the feminine 'A' (yeah I suck at names, so sue me. Lisa I need a good bit of nicknaming going on here), and it really doesn't bother me all that much. I'm still totally HEAD over HEELS like infatuated with J. though. He's just so godd*med sweet and funny though. Totally confuses me, apparently I confuse him too, but he'll only ever admit that when he's not thinking straight cause he doesn't like being confused about anything. But yeah, The first football game of the season was awesome. J. was so tired after it & I was cold & tired so I just cuddled with him, he didn't mind too much either. And then when we actually WON! That was fantastic!! Omgosh, I was so excited that went and I kissed him on the cheek, I mean it was just a kiss on the cheek but I was like blushing and so happy that he didn't react strangely, or at least not so I could see. Then I went and hung out with Britt & that was awesome. We went to Moxies and she came over to my house for a while & we just chilled talking & watching Jurassic park and that was cool. Then I had a free day off where 'Bekah came over and we worked on bio & I talked to J. on the phone cause he missed talking to me so we chatted for a while & that was cool. I had such a lazy day just doing those things and pigging out on chocolate and reading romance stories. Good times. But then Sunday I was feeling quite ill and I had to work a splitshift at work that only lasted like 4 hours! I was quite pissed at that but w.e. Then I'm still feeling sick now & J. told me to go home but I didn't & now I wish I would of, but I'm an independent person so I was like 'maybe' but 'HECK no!' at the same time. I mean its really sweet that he cares but I'm not going to do exactly what he tells me to do. Oh and I made the soccer team btw too, and I'm playing golf for our golf team, my first soccer game is thursday & I'm pretty pumped for that too. Go TEAM! I got my jersey #13 today. Hahaha I love being a Sr. cause that is EXACTLY my number, pretty happy about that. I would have totally b*tch slapped anyone who took my number. Its significant for me cause I've had it for like 4 years now and for like 9 teams! Oh and I got a new car today, well new for me. Its a sunfire & I don't know what to think about it exactly yet. I don't even know if its standard or automatic. >.< But anyways I'm quite overtired and a bit hungry too so I think I'll go to be now. At like 4:30 in the afternoon & take a nap. I'll post again when I feel like it. Peace out <3

Cryfest? Maybe but not for the right reasons.

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 03:15:03 GMT

Alright, well today was Rhea's going away party hey. Totally not what I expected, nowhere near as sad or as great as I thought it would be. Alex I'm thinking no longer likes me (and I feel totally self centered because that's what I was mainly thinking about when I won't see her for at least a year if ever again). I know John had a cruddy time too so yeah. I didn't even cry once and I feel bad about that. I mean she's moving across the fricking country for goodness sake! I should be upset & tearing up...but I'm not. I guess it just doesn't feel real. None of my life really feels real right now. It feels like I'm just putting on a show for some people, you know? I hope someone does cause I'm not sure at all. I just feel so depressed today, not about Rhea's moving but just the day in general. I don't know what to think about any of this or do or say. Arghh. I really do over complicate things but seriously. I'm just becoming so upset. Maybe going back to school will be a good thing, or maybe it will make things worse. I really don't know anything anymore. NOW I feel like crying. Gosh darn it, I AM self centered. I mean this is a blog and I'm venting so that's okay but still. I don't know what to write anymore actually. Its almost pointless cause it sure isn't helping. Having feelings for two guys is hard enough on my conscience. But when one of them likes(?)/liked me and I was thinking of how much I liked him and how much I wanted to...well make out with him really and the other one doesn't know how he feels and this one just may have changed his mind. Its stupid. It always comes back to them, always. And don't get me wrong they are amazing guys, just amazingly stupid sometimes. Then again so am I.

Just a random post.

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 01:02:44 GMT

   Well okay. My life is either boring or blissful or leaves me pissy and upset. For the most part its kind of boring (meh). I don't know why or how. It also seems to center itself very much around J. or A. Not all the time but a majority I would have to say. And even guys in general. Now why on earth do I let guys have such a big part in my life? Who knows I just do. I have tonnes of fun with my best gal friends but somehow chilling out with my 2 best guy friends (on which I have a crush on both of them) seems to be so much different. Both of them at the same time varies between a flirt fest (which I thoroughly enjoy) or me feeling like an outsider when they talk about things I don't understand with such a fever. In which the second scenario I almost always go look up whatever they were talking about so I can understand just a little bit more about them and their conversations. I think I just enjoy talking about them way too much. And like I said spending time with them is like my own private flirting session where I don't feel like I need to compete for their attentions with any other girls (which happens a lot given that most of their friends seem to in fact be female). Myself and A. have had not a rocky relationship but an interesting one. Frequently liking each other after we 'broke up' (more like we just kind of stopped treating each other in that way really) and quite interested in each other physically it seems (though why he or anyone else would be interested in me in that way is quite strange, and he feels the same way about how I think that way of him). But its so unstable and I feel so insecure about it, I never know for sure if he feels the same as he did before because I haven't seen him for like 2 months and I haven't talked to him for like a week. We're supposed to meet up to see how much we like each other and I'm so insecure I don't know if I'll be able to do anything!
    And then there is J., my best friend, my person I vent to about almost everything (except him & A.) and the person who can be the sweetest guy ever in his own way. He as of now and since I started to like him at the end of grade 9 (now we're starting grade 11) is quite unsure about his feelings towards myself and if he has anything more than friendship in mind. This is a tad confusing & frustrating because I don't understand how someone could be unsure after all this time. I do not want to push towards something he is unsure of and lose our awesome friendship in the process though so I'm waiting on that answer. However I'm not too sure I'll be waiting on him to make up his mind. A. has clearly displayed interest in me in that way, no matter how unreliable I still really like him also so if it stays this way I will give him a shot, no harm in that. Now at times I used to feel a bit guilty but I realize that life needs to go on and I'm much too young to be waiting around for some guy. If its meant to be God will see it done.
    Ohh and I'm starting to try and rediscover my faith again, I bought a teen bible for myself. I want to believe in something again, fully with my whole heart. So I'm going to read the bible & start praying again. Maybe going to church also whenever I can manage it. Maybe God will be the thing that I feel is missing from my heart. Of course I'm still planning on observing other religions as well, every one has a message that we can learn from. But as for myself I'm a Christian trying to find her way, with a little too much thinking on things that shouldn't get me so upset. God will get me up & going on the path I'm meant to be on again. I also know that I have support the whole way through my journey to rediscover my faith and discovering myself. It may take all my life & I may stray but I know I will get there eventually.
   Wow that was extremely off topic, but yes. I'm hoping I'm done waiting, I deserve more than that. J. & A. are really amazing guys but God knows that its highly unlikely either was meant for me. I'm a teenager and I'm going to have fun and learn more about myself by making mistakes on this wonderful journey we call life!

.... yes I realize this was a different post. Or maybe it wasn't. I'm all over the place right now with excitement because I just had cake! =D

Confusion is apparently contagious.

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 22:17:52 GMT

So, err. Not entirely sure what I'm thinking now. Myself and John have such a mixed amount of emotions and thoughts going around. Well... I don't even know if that is it. I do for sure and all I know about him is that he's unsure. So now I'm unsure on how that is supposed to make me feel. Or what I am to do about that. The confusion is apparently contagious because my mind is a jumble of thoughts right now, plus the fact that I don't know how he feels makes me wonder 'why'? I mean, he knows I've liked him for almost 2 years now. December '06 I think it was. We've been best friends since January or February of '07 and we're as comfortable as comfortable can be. So, I sit here and wonder, if we're so comfortable, and so close with each other...how doesn't he have any clue. I mean he's told me that he's thought about it a lot. Maybe he just doesn't want to say 'let's just be friends'. Maybe he's torn between two possibilities of people. Maybe he's totally infatuated by Allison but since he's so comfortable around me and me being my best friend he doesn't want to act on anything that may hurt me, since I've made my feelings (perhaps not the full extent of those feelings) quite clear. Obviously I'm overthinking this. A lot. But in all reality how am I supposed to react, how can I move on without knowing? How can I.... the truth is I CAN'T! No matter how much I wish for something to happen between us, I do not KNOW. Which I think may be eating away inside of me. I cannot say I love him. Love is a mutual thing. He does have a place in my heart however. I feel so conflicted. I feel guilty, I do feel so sure of myself but I am afraid. I put my heart on the line again and again and I still am no nearer to anything more. If I thought telling him all of this would help I would. But I know him well enough that it won't. He needs to come up with this on his own. I'm just..afraid that something will irreversibly ruin what we have now all together. What I need is a long discussion with him about this, I'm pretty sure its going to be painful and tearful for me. And I know I will end up putting it off for as long as possible because I am quite afraid. Maybe I just need a vacation away from all of this. Maybe I need to introduce someone else into the picture to get him going. I don't know. I don't want to hurt him or myself or anyone for the matter. I just... am so tired of this. No one I have ever liked knows anything about what they want, or know how they really feel about me. Well since high school started. No one liked me before that, maybe that was simpler, people just knew that they didn't. They didn't think that they did, or couldn't figure it out one way or the other. Ahh I'm just ranting and making no sense so I'm going to stop. Maybe I really should just lock people out for a while and think. Or maybe I should just stop talking to him so much and try something else. Or maybe I should just do what I'm doing. All just maybes though. I think what is best is that I just lock myself away for a while... just get away. Try and think about anything but him, if that's at all possible. *Sigh*, okay I'm just confusing myself by thinking too much. I'm going to go suffocate myself with pillows now and quit being an idiot. Good day, or afternoon or whatever.

Poems are becoming common. This one kind of sucks though.

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:18:09 GMT

What am I thinking?
I'm sure I'm getting in too deep...
again.
Throwing caution to the wind.
I don't want to get hurt again,
I just want to feel loved,
Is it you who'll give me what I need to be happy?
Or will I just end up being hurt and hurting others?
Only time will tell.

Poetry again.

Wed, 16 Jul 2008 19:59:12 GMT

Me and my relapses,
I never seem to be able to escape
Your grasp
it keeps pulling me back,
your intentions & emotions hidden from me,
forever you are a intoxicating mystery to me..

A thought.

Tue, 08 Jul 2008 13:49:30 GMT

How woeful it must be for you to be ignorant!
How much pain you must be in!
I can't imagine the burden of not knowing or understanding how much pain you cause others with your 'games'!
Is it really all that horrible or is it more of a blessing for you not to be able to see yourself in all your imperfections,
that are of your own making?
You've been manipulating those whose only original thought was to give you a chance,
and then feigning ignorance or indifference to the pain you have caused by your actions.
Oh yes, you are regrettably ignorant.
Or maybe now you're just a chance given that is regretted
...

I love summer? Not too sure about that atm....

Sat, 28 Jun 2008 05:42:02 GMT

Okay, I love summer and all. Truthfully the weather, the sleeping in, the lesser amount of drama and the flirt fests with my bathing suit on make it my absolute favorite season. But at the same time I have to hate it as well. My friends are pretty much out of contact with me, and frankly for the most part it really doesn't seem that they give a damn. I like keeping in contact on a weekly basis, okay more like every day or two days with some people. But anyways I'm lucky if I can get someone to phone me or to make the effort to. Talking to someone on the phone when they call is an afterthought. You don't have to do anything and you can just give some phony excuse if you don't want to talk anymore. Actually phoning someone takes effort. It means you were thinking about them! I mean come on! Its really nice to know that you're being thought about and appreciated enough that someone will go out of their way to phone you. Trying to keep up with what's going on, how you are how you're feeling, trying to figure out when you can see each other again! Summer has barely started and I'm already upset! That's BAD! I miss the daily contact with some people like we had in school. Not the classes (especially not Chemistry) but the opportunity to socialize and share and have fun with other people. Kind of difficult when summer comes around and other people just turn into hermits or you realize that they may not just give a damn at all and are just hanging out with you for the convenience of it, or because they don't want to hurt your feelings. That's kind of how I feel about people I know overall at the moment. Oh and then you go off starting to have fun with other people and then they get pissed off because you aren't paying attention to you. Its just so...aggravating. I do not feel overly appreciated here. I understand that people have busy schedules but is it really that hard to take some time out of your day to catch up with people who matter to you? Apparently so. If things don't start shaping up soon (and Lisa this has no way to do anything with you, you're more than a tad amazing. John...is quite amazing with the talking part, not so much the calling me of his own violation thing) then I don't know what I'm going to do. It just upsets me, more than a tad. I may just have to have a total freak out on people to get my point across. Cause everyone knows that Megan only gets upset enough to blow when its really important or something really wrong is going on.)