| August 17th, 2010
So, here's another entry for my blog. Kind of pointless because no one reads it but then again, a blog is like a journal online. Well a more public one. Never mind, if you don't want anyone to read what you've written then a) don't put it on the internet, and b) encrypt it, write it in code or whatever. People are nosey and if you leave information out and lying around it may suck if someone reads it but it is your own fault. I have found that I just don't give a damn anymore. So long as it doesn't effect any sort of future I may have (which whatever I really end up doing is rather tame anyways so I doubt it will) I will post it on the blog for all to see if they feel like it. Anyways, on to the reason why I first started writing this thing in the first place.
My life has felt like a living hell over the past couple of weeks. I mean, I could be a total bitch and relate it to the fact that the one dude, my best friend, that I care for more than anything in the world is being a complete douche and not only that but is having a shitty time at life. I know that letting other people shouldn't rule your emotions and that you should worry about your own situation but his moods are so contagious and I cannot help but want to do anything in my power to make him feel better when he is hurting or upset. Another thing that makes this even worse. I CANNOT seem to do a single fucking thing right. Honestly, I think that I might just being selfish here sometimes and the relationships is only good for me, but then I think about all the stuff we do together, what I do for him. I am his chauffeur (he doesn't have his license yet), his confidante when he feels like it, I make it possible for him to hang out with other people and what do I get in return? Hahaha, in all honesty, I've never really thought about that question before. I get the truth, I often get verbally abused when he is upset, I get ignored, taken for granted, never really missed...but god can he make me smile when he tries the slightest. I would do anything in the world to keep that smile on his face all day long. But I can't. For some reason nothing I do will ever work. I don't understand it. As you can probably tell I am utterly in love with the man. He makes me laugh, smile, feel better but he also can ruin everything good in my day in 30 seconds. He can be an arrogant asshole who doesn't know what he wants, he can be oblivous, rude, ignorant, cold, aloof and so much more. And he doesn't feel the same for me as I do for him. He doesn't want to see me hurt, he doesn't want me to be with someone who will take me for granted, he wants what is best for me. And all honesty, it just seems to be another way for him to say that that is not him. He is very opinionated and will tell me when I am being stupid, look bad, am doing something that will get me hurt, but he will let me figure it out for myself. I am missing the total comfort we used to have. I miss a lot of things, but I also miss the hope that I had that one day we would be able to really be together. I still haven't given up hope, I do mean a lot to him. I just apparently am not girlfriend material. I am more of one of the dudes. He feels no need to impress me, be polite or anything. I just really don't know how I feel about this. I hear a lot of things I would not if I was considered a "full girl" but I also don't really have a chance as I'm considered one of the guys. /sigh. Realistically I should just move on, find someone else, forget about this guy but I have a problem. 1. I cannot easily meet, flirt, become interested in other guys. 2. I have no idea where to meet someone who will potentially work as a boyfriend because of those previous problems. I am a rather shy girl at first, someone who will open up really easily to total strangers but has no real idea how to approach or talk to them. I'm tired of all of this. Its not fun being who I am most of the time lately. I need something to change, I just don't know what, when or how.
Continued...
Alright, so many things have happened since I wrote this, but no reallhy at the same time. I've come to realize I do many stupid things. Like makeout with a guy when I'm drunk, don't like him like that at all, he's was sober and we were just beginning to be friends beforehand. I don't handle that well. I feel taken advantage of and have no idea how to approach it. My situation with the other guy is mostly the same except he basically poured out that in the least romantic sense possible that I am the person that is the most important in his life. My friendship means the most to him and with that feeling of appreciation and after discussing things with him, I feel better for now. I just continuously slip when I go into "What if" mode. I need to find a way to avoid that. Anyways...more updates soon! |
